Maintaining Boundaries for the Holidays – and Beyond

                Boundaries are very important for our everyday life and can be what saves the holiday at this time of year. However, I regularly have clients that are unclear on how to create and maintain healthy boundaries and in some cases, there is confusion with what is even meant by setting boundaries.

                For starters, boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits. (outofthefog.net).  They are essential for our physical and emotional health.

                With proper boundaries you are more likely to practice self-care and self-respect, to communicate your needs in a relationship, to make time and space for positive interactions, and to set limits in a relationship in a healthy way. Signs that there are ineffective boundaries include:

if there are any forms of abuse - physical, verbal, emotional, and/or psychological

if you are taking or giving as much as you can for the sake of doing so

if you are allowing others to direct, define, and/or describe your experience

if you are thinking others should anticipate and automatically meet your needs, (unless you are under one year old - but then you wouldn't be reading this), or vice versa

Why can it be difficult to set healthy boundaries? For some, setting – more importantly enforcing healthy boundaries can cause:

•   Fear of disappointing others

•   Fear of rejection and, ultimately, abandonment

• Fear of confrontation.

• Guilt

• May not have been taught healthy boundaries.

• Safety Concerns

**If you feel you are in an unsafe or even dangerous situation do not set boundaries alone – get the help of a professional to have a safety plan or reach out to the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233.

Steps for setting healthy boundaries:

1. Identify where your boundaries have gone ineffective or are no longer serving you.

2. Identify your own irrational or unhealthy thinking, (the fear or guilt that stops you from effective action). 

3. Identify a new pattern of thinking/beliefs that is more rational, effective, and healthy for you. 

4. Identify new behaviors that are congruent or match the new thought patterns and beliefs.

5. Implement the new behavior in your life situations. 

Important tips for setting boundaries:

Remember that boundaries are to clarify, determine, and set your own behavior; the focus is never to change the behavior of others. 

The initial setting of a boundary is the easy part, it is enforcing the boundary that most fine more difficult.

Others will likely begin to understand as long as you give them time and repetition for the new behavior pattern to stick.

Remember to remain firm, direct, and gracious - kindness is always an available choice.

Whether you need it for the holiday season or for the future in general, if you follow the steps, you will be able to set healthy and effective boundaries that will empower you to stay emotionally regulated for any situation.