When Resentment Shows Up

I have recently had an increase in clients either experiencing partners/friends feeling resentment over issues the client had felt long resolved or the client is the person noticing resentment and unsure how to let go, move on, or resolve the issue. Resentment is very ineffective for it is exhausting to hold on to, it damages relationships, and it does not fulfill what most people hope it will do such as send a message or teach a lesson to the other person.

What if someone is resentful toward you? It generally means they are holding onto feelings of anger, disappointment, or hurt due to something you did or didn't do. These feelings can stem from perceived unfairness, unmet expectations, or past conflicts that haven’t been resolved.

Here are some signs that someone might be resentful:

Passive-aggressive behavior: They might not openly express their feelings, but their actions or words can hint at unresolved resentment. Think silent treatment and then “forgetting” to do you a favor or an off-hand comment that was not expected.

Avoidance: They might distance themselves from you, either emotionally or physically. This could also be silent treatment, though there is no extra jab at you in an indirect way.

Irritability: Small things may start to annoy them more than usual, and they could seem easily triggered or frustrated. This would be the person having a shorter fuse than usual; you may feel like your walking on eggshells.

Coldness or aloofness: They may withdraw or stop engaging with you in a warm or friendly way.

Unresolved tension: There may be an underlying tension or discomfort in interactions, even when things seem outwardly fine.

If you notice someone is resentful toward you, it's often helpful to:

1.       Address the issue openly and empathetically

2.      Understanding their perspective

3.      Having an honest conversation

All of the above can help clear the air and potentially heal the relationship.

                If you are the one experiencing resentment, here are some steps to help:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

• Accept that you're feeling hurt, angry, or betrayed. Suppressing emotions often prolongs the healing process. It’s important to recognize and validate your own feelings before you can move forward.

2. Understand the Root of Your Resentment

• Try to identify why you're holding onto resentment. Is it due to a specific event or a repeated pattern of behavior? Understanding the cause can help you process the emotions and see the situation more clearly.

3. Shift Your Perspective

• Sometimes, holding onto resentment can stem from viewing the situation only from your own point of view. Consider how the other person may have felt or what their motivations were. This doesn't mean excusing their behavior, but it can help you humanize them and see the situation in a more balanced light.

4. Practice Forgiveness

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the hurtful actions, but it means you are choosing to release the hold those feelings have over you. Forgiving doesn't require reconciliation with the other person, but it frees you from the emotional burden of resentment.

5. Focus on the Present

• Resentment often stems from past events, but constantly reliving them only keeps you stuck in that negativity. Try to redirect your focus to the present moment and engage in activities that bring you peace, joy, or fulfillment.

6. Express Yourself

• Writing down your feelings in a journal, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist, can help you process and release those emotions. Sometimes just getting the anger and hurt out can provide relief.

7. Set Boundaries

• If your resentment stems from ongoing behaviors, it may be helpful to set clear and healthy boundaries. This can give you more control over how you interact with the person or situation in the future.

8. Practice Self-Compassion

• Be kind to yourself as you work through your feelings. It’s normal to have negative emotions when someone hurts you, but treating yourself with love and understanding is key to healing.

9. Engage in Relaxation or Mindfulness Practices

• Practices such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can help you release pent-up emotions and cultivate inner peace. These tools can help you let go of anger and resentment over time.

10. Give Yourself Time

• Healing takes time, and it’s okay to feel hurt for a while. Be patient with yourself and trust that, over time, the feelings of resentment will soften if you commit to letting go.

Resentment is a heavy burden to carry and releasing it will likely bring you a sense of freedom and peace. My favorite analogy is resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to suffer. It is an ineffective use of energy and these other strategies would better address the problem.