What Are You Trying to Control

                Another sticky point I hear about with others is what they are trying to control. Many people get off-track and start focusing on controlling the uncontrollable while losing focus on what is in their locus of control. What is the biggest misplacement of focus you ask? When people describe how much energy they are putting into changing the behaviors of others and then feeling powerless in that they must continue with their current situation. Does this happen to you?

                I usually dislike using the word never, so I will say it is extremely rare for it to be at all effective to focus on changing other people. Many people also think if they call it their boundary, they can change the behaviors of others. This is not how boundaries work. Boundaries help empower you to stay “safe” in whatever sense of the word the situation allows. Your boundaries are to determine what you will do when someone has whatever behavior they are going to have to keep you safe.

                Let me give an example, you have a friend/partner/co-worker who has very differing political views. An ineffective boundary would state they cannot have those views any more. From this, they will likely not respect the boundary, and you will feel powerless or disrespected. A healthy boundary would state if this person started talking about their political views I will: A. Politely change the topic to something more neutral, B. Politely ask for a new topic, or C. Excuse yourself and walk away. Any of these choices do not change the other person’s behavior but give you an action plan to help you feel “safe” and empowered.

                Another important point, when you decide on how you want to respond to other people, make sure it is a plan you feel confident sticking with. You send yourself disempowering messages when you make a plan and passively dismiss its need. You may hear the self-talk of “well, it is not so bad this time, I will wait for when it is worse.” Or “I do not want to cause a problem right now, I will just deal with it.” A healthy boundary will be something you feel comfortable with and when you have assertive communication to communicate your boundary, it is respectful, appropriate, and still directly expresses your need.

                There is another sticky point where maybe you are not trying to control others’ behavior, but you are trying to control your own emotions. You may think there are certain emotions that you want to eliminate from your experience. Our emotions are to guide us, to let us know when a need is met or unmet – so all are important. Once again, this is a waste of energy to try to control which emotion you feel. Allow what comes up and try to determine what need is needed to be met?

                By now you may be wondering what the effective place is to put controlling energy. If you have not guessed yet, it is in your own behavior. You have ultimate control to take effective action for yourself despite how others are acting around you and despite what emotions want to show up. So how do you want to respond?

As always, simply reach out if interested in more help!