The Dichotomous Thinking Trap

                There was a definite theme this week. Showing up with people of all ages and in all contexts; I have observed the ineffective impact of dichotomous thinking – or black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking. It is showing up as people talk about their relationships, their work, their family, their goals for self and seems to be the weed that is choking their potential. It’s the if this happens/doesn’t happen then everything is ruined statement that sets up a downward spiral into negative thinking and crush motivations.

                I have heard comments about the grade for a test, grade for a class, making into a club, getting a promotion, a friend or love interest responding in a timely manner, being a certain weight or size, having a wanted item, (i.e. gaming system, new phone, certain brand name something). In all of these situations, there is a mental frame that becomes rigid and become ineffective to unhelpful.

                It really starts with a should statement. When you have a preference, but make it an expectation, a should statement is born. I should get a promotion. I should fit in the dress by the event. They should respond to me immediately. I should have that item. I should get 100%. I should get an A. There is nothing wrong with wanting these things, but when they are shifted from a preference to a should statement the rigid thinking begins. Now if anything happens that is not as it should happen, it opens the door for magnifying or catastrophizing the issue.

                For example, not getting the promotion turns into my career is a failure; similarly not getting the 100% or the A resulting in thinking now I am a failure. Someone not responding with the hour and now you assume they hate you, are mad at you, or are disinterested. When not the weight or size or not fitting into the outfit by the event, then feeling ugly, horrible, a waste of space. Not having a specific material ruining life as you know it. The problem has stayed the same, but our thoughts about it have made it grown into a disaster and the rigidity of the thinking is not allowing for other options.

                What to do when you catch yourself in this rigid thinking pattern?  The first step is to be aware that there has been a set up of a should statement and all-or-nothing thinking. From here there is finding the middle ground, finding the gray area that almost always exists, and then exploring the options available.

                Back to the examples – not getting the promotion is there another opportunity in the near future and you can talk with supervisors on how to make that a realistic possibility, is there other roles in the company and a shift in roles would be a better solution, is it time to look elsewhere at a company that will appreciate you – there is more than get the promotion or fail at career. Or for the friend/love interest not responding, remembering before entering the rabbit hole of all the bad things they may be feeling about you, there are many other explanations. They may be sleeping, they may have turned their phone off/to silent, they may have forgotten to charge their phone, and it is out of power, they may be in the middle of something. You do not know until to know and that takes the patience to wait a couple hours – I would even go so old school as to wait 24 hours before having any action responses. If that outfit doesn’t fit for the event, there are plenty of other outfits and your worth does not come from the outside of your package – there is also some self-esteem work that may be needed here.

                Flexible thinking has been a topic before and is so helpful to prevent you from getting stuck in rigid thinking. When you no longer can identify other options, you will fall into the traps of feeling stuck and motivation starts to diminish. So, stay flexible and creative – recognize a preference as such and not make it and expectation, and you will better escape that stuck feeling.

                As always, I am here to help, simply reach out.