A Need or A Want?

Yes, once again I am stuck thinking about the theme of the week. I find it so funny how one trend can come up for so many people in so many contexts - though it is probably partially from my reticular activating system. Either way, I found many people struggling with distinguishing their needs from their wants this week. As this issue was prevailing throughout the week, I could not help but think of two main points - one a more philosophical perspective and one more based on the theory of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

On the philosophical side, I think about the two freedoms we have to choose from. We have the freedom to chase our desires and we have the freedom from desires. Chasing our desires is so thrilling, so gratifying, and also so disappointing when what you desire is gone, or you are unable to have what you desire. The second path is not as exciting, though it tends to be filled with calm content. There is nothing to chase, there is nothing to lose. There is just existing. If you are thinking this sounds like practice for a Buddhist, you are correct and, in some contexts, it can be a choice for you as well. I do not mean you should stop having goals or working to reach your potential. I am suggesting if chasing a want is causing more suffering than benefit, there is a choice to let it go and shift your energy to something different.

From a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT, perspective, I think of a commonly pervasive cognitive distortion. The distortion of “should” statements. With few exceptions, the majority of your “should” statements are simply preferences for how you would like yourself to be, how you would like other people to be, and how you would like the world to be. The key word here is preference, your should statements are wants. However, when the narrative makes it a should statement you get rigid and inflexible to things happening in an alternate way. It becomes something that shouldn’t happen, and you experience upset.  There is another downfall to “should” statements which is when things do go as wanted, there is no celebration or appreciation for it is simply how it should be.

There is an easy correction to the “should” statements trap. It is called the semantic method. You simply become more intentional with the internal statements you make. Rather than framing a situation with a should, must, or ought to, replace it with I would like, I want, or I would prefer. I always like to use the example of playing Go Fish as a child. When you would fish for the card you ask for and actually draw it out of all those other possibilities – most of us did a little dance as saying, “I got what I wanted.” I am looking for an element of this appreciation whenever you encounter a situation that goes as it should. With some practice, you will realize a decrease in stress level when you rephrase your should statements to preferences and acknowledge and celebrate when things work out as you wanted.

As always, I am here to help, simply reach out.